What Am I Afraid Of?

A lot!
As I grow older and look back on my life, I can see that a lot of what I did or didn't do was done out of fear. I know I have parented out of fear (especially after  our daughter Taylor died), I was afraid of letting them out of my sight (still am sometimes), afraid of swimming pools, and beaches, and the list could go on. Even though my kids are teenagers and adults, I still worry about the myriad of things that could go wrong, now though, I have less control, because they need more independence to grow up and learn to take care of themselves. It has been easier with Stephanie and Jaydyn to let them grow up, because they were way more cautious about doing things, I have passed some of my fear down to them (this is something I regret) but they are doing ok. My youngest is a different story, she is 15 1/2 and not really afraid to do anything. I think she is the healthiest in that way, she is not afraid of meeting and making new friends, she goes places by herself, because she wants too.  She knows how to look out for herself, and walk down ways that are safer, she is responsible and lets me know where she is going, and with who, and she has never given me a reason not to trust her. She just has a more adventurous spirit than I have. She is not rebellious and reckless like I was at her age, for that I thank God. She is confidant. At times I envy her.
I also worry about Cam and his health, about decisions we have made concerning the future, my health, etc. The list could go on but I will stop there, You don't need all the boring details. :)
God has been teaching me lately though many different ways that I have been struggling with fear and anxiety for a long time now and that He really wants me to see what I am doing so that I will let Him help me with it. The clearest way He has shown me how I am, is, by showing me what it looks like in our new puppy. I know that I make her more fearful, because of the way I "what if" everything. My puppy has an incredibly hard time encountering anything new, new sounds, new places, new dogs, new people. And I really don't know how to help her. I watch her and feel for her, I wish she had more confidence, and could be the puppy she is with us, with others. It doesn't take her very long when someone comes over to get used to them, then she loves them wholeheartedly, I just wish she didn't start off so scared. She is incredibly smart and learns tricks quickly, it is just the fear that holds her back. I watch Dog Whisperer all the time, it's my favourite show, so I know a lot of her fearful behaviour has to do with me. If I would just relax and not "what if" everything, she would too. We are working at that, and looking for a person that can help us.
We are also going through a series on mental health at church, that is speaking very clearly to me about this issue. Thanks Todd. :)
I have also struggled with fear in our marriage. Cam has never hurt me in anyway, except for in the pornography/lust area. I really don't know why I am afraid of confrontation, or speaking to him about my needs, or our girls needs. He has never physically hurt us, or neglected us. He has been a good husband and father. My dad was also a good man, so I don't even sufferer with past issues in that way. I really don't understand why I think and react the way I do, I just do. Weird!
Anyway lately I have been determined to figure this thing out, trying to get to the bottom of this. I may never actually figure it all out, but need to trust God with this, that He knows, and He is faithful to complete a good work in  me.
Todd gave a us some ideas to help us on Sunday, talking to a doctor, friends, etc. One of the other things Todd said to do was to find and memorize scripture that dealt with fear, and trusting God.  Here are some of the ones I will be trying to memorize :)

 Roman's 8:15-16, 38-39 (NLT)
¹⁵ So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.^[h] Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”^[i] 16For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. 
³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Timothy 1:6-8 (NLT)

⁶ This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. ⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

^{Hebrews 13:5-6 (NLT)
5} Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,

   “I will never fail you.
      I will never abandon you.”^[a]

 ⁶ So we can say with confidence,

   “The LORD is my helper,
      so I will have no fear.
      What can mere people do to me?”^[b]

When I look at God's Word about fear, I realize that not only do I have a problem with fear, but I also have a problem with trusting God with my whole life, and that I have control issues. I think I am having trouble with allowing God to have His way in my life. I want to control what happens. I want my way. But I also realize that because of these things I struggle with fear. 


What I really found interesting is that the only thing I should fear is God, and not in a scary kind of fear (because I am His child, even though He has the power of life and death in my life), but in an awe kind of fear because of His Greatness, His mercy, His power, and His glory. When I get that right, it will make a difference in my life. It really is about trusting God with everything, realizing that He does not want to hurt me, and that He will be with me no matter what happens. So instead of saying what if, I need to say God already knows what is going to happen and He is with me so I don't need to fear. I understand that this lesson will take me a lifetime to learn, I have a lot of very unhealthy patterns to unlearn and replace with truth. I have listened to way too many lies from my enemy. God give me ears only for your truth, free my mind from the fears and limitations that that has placed on my life, help me to live boldly, confidently, fully yours. Thank you God.


I was also very intrigued by these verses below...

^{1 Peter 3:5-7 (NLT)}

⁵ This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. ⁶ For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. ⁷ In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.


This is God's plan for us as wives in the bible, to be like Sarah, to obey without fear. This is what was called beautiful. I was curious why Sarah was pointed out, so I read what scripture said about her, here's some of what I found out...


Sarah's name used to be Sarai. She was married to Abram, who was later to be called Abraham. Abram was told by God to pack up and move away from everything they knew and follow God. Abram wasn't told where they were going, He was just told to follow. So Abram did, and Sarai did as well. During their travels they went through Eygpt, and because she was beautiful, Abram told her to lie and say she was his sister instead of his wife. She did? God took care of her even though her husband's fear got the better of him. Even though The Eygptian ruler took her into his palace, God protected her and didn't let anything happen to her. This happened, not once but twice. She obeyed Abram., and did what she was told, I believe it was because she trusted God, He had come through for her before.
God had also given her a child in her old age and Abram's old age, even though it was impossible, and she did doubt, and tried to do it her way. Her way only caused a lot of problems for her. 
God always did as He said He would. Sarah even trusted God with their only child Isaac, when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, to test Abraham's faith. 

Sarah learned to obey her husband because she learned that God could be trusted, that God was watching out for her, and that God was fully in charge of her life and her family's life. I believe that is why God pointed her out. Her trust in God is remarkable. I am not sure I would have been obedient in her place. I think I would have become a nagging wife. I definitely would have been fearful.

I want to be like Sarah, trusting God no matter what the circumstances.
Cam is a good man, but like anyone else he is human, and makes mistakes. It is hard to give up wanting to do everything my way, especially because of my fear and anxiety. I want to control everything, because I think that if I could just control everything I wouldn't have to fear, but I know in my heart that this way of thinking is a lie.
If left up to me, I would be so frozen with fear in short order, because I can't control everything, that my life really wouldn't be about living at all. I would become a prisoner of my fear.
I want to be able to submit to Cam easily, knowing that it is in God that I put my trust. That God has our best interests at heart, that God has my back :) Then life lived together would become easier, more free and full of the exciting adventure that God would want us to have. There would be no fear of the "what if's", no fear of death, no fear of failure, or of other's opinions, or fear of the future. What would that be like? I would love to find out!! That is the path that God would have me on. Praise God!
This is the path that I am switching to, I am following God, yes I may stray, but I am confident that God will show me when I try to go down the old paths of fear. He wants the best for me, because then He gets all the glory.