A Little More Of Our Story

I know God is asking me to share more of our story, I think it is to help others to understand that, although I don't know exactly what you feel in your situation, that I do understand some of what you are feeling. I am not sure who is reading this, but God knows and he wants to reach you, care for you and ask you to put your trust in Him. It's the only way! How do I know this? I know because of the journey that I have been on.
Cam and I have been together 25 and a half years in total. Dating for one and half, living together for another year and a half, and then married for 22 and a half years. Some of these years have been great years with wonderful memories, some of them have been mediocre, plodding along kind of years, and some of them have downright sucked.
We met during my years of rebellion against anything I grew up learning. I met Cam when I was at the end of my 17th year. I hated myself and didn't really care what I did. In some ways I was trying hard to ruin myself. I knew right from wrong, I grew up in a Christian, Bible believing home. I knew the rules of conduct that I was supposed to keep as a good girl, and I did everything I could to trash that. I didn't want to be a good girl, that hadn't got me very far...
I was rejected by the kids in school, ridiculed, bullied, just because I was the good girl, the shy one who never told on them. I was ridiculed by my teachers for being a suck, or a slow learner. Even at home I never felt like I measured up to what my mom wanted me to be.
I was used goods, I had been molested by a friend in the neighbourhood at 10, raped at a party at the beginning of my 17th year, and used for whatever someone could get out of me. No one really wanted to know who I was, they only wanted someone who would agree with their lifestyle and party, or someone who they could take advantage of, someone who wouldn't fight back. That was me! Oh, I looked like I was having fun on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess. I let others convince me that I was not enough, that I needed their friendships for validation. That my life was only needed as a way to meet their needs. I think the enemy of my soul had whispered those lies to me for most of my life, so it didn't take much for me to believe them.
This is who I was when I met Cam, I was a mess, I had bottled myself up, refusing to show anyone the real me, in case they destroyed what little there was of me. I was also seething underneath the surface, angry, so angry at what life had dealt me, and angry at God, if there was a God, who would be so cruel. I was a shattered empty shell of a person.
Cam had his issues as well, he had self esteem issues, he felt like he never measured up, his heart was broken by a previous girlfriend who had not been faithful, he had been let down by his parents who were too tired or too busy to pay attention to their youngest child, he felt like he wasn't enough to hold their attention, he was a loner, seemingly content to be alone in his room with his music and his books. Fantasy was better than reality. He looked tough and confidant on the outside, but inside he was a scared, lonely little boy desperately seeking approval, who's self esteem was shattered.
Both of us were broken, both of us came into this relationship looking for different things, needing different needs met. Cam upon later confession I learned had determined that he would not allow anyone else to hurt him as badly as the last girl, so he decided he would use them and then leave them, leaving women in his wake instead of being used and hurt again. I was the next one. I had been hurt so much, that I never gave anyone a chance, when they got close to seeing who I was I would break up with the guys I dated and there were quite a few. I didn't want to be hurt. But what my soul was crying out for was someone who could see past my walls and would want to get to know me. Someone who would not use me.
 I met Cam shortly after we found out my dad was dying of Acute Leukaemia. I was devastated, I loved my dad more than anyone else in my world, he was the only one it seemed at the time, that really tried to know me and loved who I was. When I would run away from home after a fight with my mom, he would follow me in the car, and try to talk with me, actually he would sit there and listen as I complained about my mom. He would say he loved me, he would take me out for coffee, and sometimes dinner, just to try to understand what was going on. He was a quiet and gentle man. He didn't want to fight, and avoided conflict at all costs, including in making me respect my mom or helping my mom to understand that I was in pain.
Anyway to make a point in all of this, we were two really messed up kids, trying desperately to find an anchor in life, and we found each other in our storms. This was probably not the ideal situation, even though I believe that Cam was the one that God had for me, we were broken, and probably to fragile to be together.
We were both selfish in our motives.
At the time we both loved to party with our friends and go to the bars or to a lounge and drink to have a good time. I would often sleep over at his house on the weekends when his parents were at the cabin. I knew the rules of being a good girl, but I didn't keep any of them. Cam wasn't taught Christian values at home, as his parents didn't go to church or encourage their kids to either, so to Cam our life was the normal accepted way to be in a relationship, but I knew different and was being torn up inside because of the guilt I was feeling, but doing my best to stuff it and ignore my feelings. Cam is the only guy I ever brought home to meet my parents, there was something different about him.
Cam's plans to just use the next girl and then leave her never worked out for him, he was too good. I was going through a really hard time, my dad was dying, and I was having a hard time coping with the realities of that, so he couldn't bring himself to leave me even though at times he has told me it was tough to stick it out. I was a mess.
After my dad died my mom kicked me out because she was grieving and couldn't cope with a rebellious disrespectful daughter. Cam supported me for awhile while I was on my own, then we decided to move in together. That worked out pretty good, so we decided to get married.
Our relationship changed after we got married. All my unresolved guilt about my molestation when I was young, and the rape in my teen years, and our premarital sex got to me. I became someone different than Cam had come to know. I became cold, unresponsive, a prude. Sex was not fun after we got married, which was weird, because now it was supposed to be the right timing for it. We grew distant, I became pregnant with our first child 3 months after we got married, and I was even more cold toward Cam. My whole life became focused on our daughter, I forgot about Cam.
Cam was used to being alone, and he retreated from us. I didn't really notice though until many years later, approximately 15 years later. During that time we had 4 more daughters. One through foster care. Our second daughter lived for 12 weeks and died of SIDS, which made me even more focused on our children, I couldn't bear the thought of losing another, Cam retreated more in his own grief, and became angry and resentful of me and the kids. I started noticing the distance between us when our girls grew older and didn't need me as much, but by then Cam had been desperately hurt by my indifference to his needs and my lack of attention. He felt unloved, unwanted. We felt like we were only roommates, using each other for what we needed, me a provider and father for our kids, and him a mother and the occasional sex when ever he could get it. (not very often)
I knew before we got married that Cam viewed porn, and went to the strip clubs with his friends, but I assumed that after we were married, and for sure after he became a Christian that those things weren't an issue anymore. I saw no evidence and so I really never thought about it until in 2005, I was shocked when I started up our computer one day and there it was, an eporn magazine. That devastated me. How could he, no wonder he was so distant, how could I measure up to that. How disgusting!!!
I was angry, but God met me in that anger and helped me to see that we both needed to work on our marriage, that I couldn't just expect Cam to change and stop what he was doing, but that I had a part to play in the healing of our marriage. God led me to a website called Setting Captives Free. There was an online course for those with a pornography addiction, and there was a course for the spouses as well. It was  a 60 day course, and there were online mentors. I approached Cam with this idea the next day, and he reluctantly agreed. It was only because I was willing to do work too that he agreed. At first I was angry, the course for the spouses let me know that I needed to work on the issues that I brought to our marriage, it didn't just give me an outlet with someone on the other side feeling sorry for me, but I was committed to do this, so I continued with dogged determination. Cam on the other hand was not as committed to doing the course and many times I was a nagging wife cajoling him to do his lessons. Cam struggled with his addiction and he was not "cured" at the end of the course. Many times I would catch something on the computer even though he was computer savvy, I'm not sure if he was lazy or if God in His mercy allowed me to see what Cam didn't want me to see, so that he would get back on track to God's healing. Ultimately it took a series of illnesses for Cam to realize that God didn't want this pattern to continue, and that God wanted to be first in Cam's life, not Cam's addiction to porn. Cam started to listen when God laid him flat on his back in the hospital 6 times in one year, the last in ICU for 2 days and then 10 days in the hospital. When Cam realized that God had to be first, he changed, God filled that empty place that Cam had been stuffing with porn. Cam realized that the porn didn't satisfy like God did. When he understood that the emptiness he was trying to fill was meant to be filled with God, Cam found freedom. It is not always easy for him, and temptation loves to rear it's ugly head,  but now Cam has a battle plan and uses it. I have also learned how to encourage Cam, and we are on a journey together to learn how best to support, love and respect  one another. I believe that God has used what Satan meant for destruction for His glory. Our marriage is so much better than it used to be because we are honest with each other, and before God, we don't hold back from each other anymore. We are still on a journey, but a journey together with God, full of adventure and discovery. It is exciting! Praise God for His mercies, He is healing two broken souls, and knitting them together as one.
Cam runs a group for men with sexual addictions now. He wants other men to find their freedom in God like he has, and I run a group for women who are struggling because of their husbands addiction. We wives also need to find our freedom from hurt and pain, and our healing from our issues through Jesus. We cannot stuff it, or expect our husbands to do all the work in our relationships, we bring garbage too, we need to work on our own issues. When we invite God into our pain and struggle, God blesses the work that we do, He then blesses the marriages, He blesses it with Himself, and that is all anyone ever needs. Praise God that His mercies are new every morning.