To Boldly Go Where I Haven't Gone Before. Following My God Wholeheartedly.

  I am so glad God showed how He used a man like Moses. I feel a little like Moses these days.
Moses was given a mission by God that he felt unqualified to do. He felt like the people God was sending him too wouldn't listen to him. Moses even asked God to pick someone else to do the job God gave to him. This was all after Moses heard God speak to him through a burning bush that wasn't being destroyed by the fire. 


Exodus 3:10-15,  (NLT)
 Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.”
  But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”
  God answered, “I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain.”
  But Moses protested, “If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, ‘The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,’ they will ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what should I tell them?”
 God replied to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.^[d] Say this to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you.”  God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh,^[e] the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.
Exodus 4:1, 10-13 (NLT)
 But Moses protested again, “What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The LORD never appeared to you’?”

 But Moses pleaded with the LORD, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”
  Then the LORD asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the LORD?  Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”
  But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.”


  I understand a bit about how Moses might have been feeling. I didn't see a burning bush or hear an audible voice, but I heard one in my soul. I didn't get a mission to save God's people from slavery to the Egyptians, but I did get a mission to tell women what God thinks of them, and how much they are loved and valued, because He made them. I also got a mission to gather women to pray for their marriages.
I know that I have some of the same worries as Moses, why me? Who am I to be doing that? What will I say? God you know I don't speak well, that I am shy and nervous even with a few women. And God knows that I have asked Him to pick someone else to do this. I know that I am unqualified by the world's standards or by mine. :)

  And yet the calling is still there, and there is an urgency in it, just last night I got a message to stop squandering my time and get to work. I am hesitant because I have no clue how to begin. I am not used to leading something, I am not really an organized person, I am shy, I like to lurk in the background, that is where I am most comfortable.

  I have spoken to a few women's groups about my story and my jewelry Broken Clay, but I am still not completely comfortable with that. Although I do love talk about how God has been good to me and my family. What God has done in my life is exciting to talk about. God is wonderfully exciting! Living life with Him is a beautiful adventure. I will be forever grateful for His grace and mercy in my life. 
I have told God on numerous occasions that I want to live my whole life for Him, I think this is what He is asking of me.


  I think He is waiting to see if I will even trust Him with what I am most afraid of, my success or failure. He understands me, because He made me. He understands the fears that I have, my self doubt, my feelings of not measuring up. I wonder what He thinks when I keep bringing these questions and fears up to Him, does He get frustrated with me? Does He say to me  “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” like He did to Moses? Probably! 


  It is funny that I read this today after I clearly heard Him say stop squandering your time. Squander isn't a term I use, but I understood by the tone that I heard it used in, that it was warning me that I was hesitating when I should be moving. Sorry God.
I looked up squander and here is what I found
squander |ˈskwändər|verb [ trans. ]waste (something, esp. money or time) in a reckless and foolish manner• allow (an opportunity) to pass or be lost

  I think both those definitions could be used for what I am doing by hesitating. God has asked me to do this before, about 6 years ago was the first time, then again in 2008, and again 2010, 2011, and 2012. Each time I found other things to do with my time, mainly good things. A lot of what I did was good, like raising and homeschooling my girls (that was not wasted time, because I believe that my girls are gifts to Cam and I, and the the most important ministry God gave to us), working on our marriage (also a gift from God), the everyday lists of things needed to take care of our house and family, being a friend, and a daughter. Those are all good things, and needed to be done, not wasteful. But, I also know that as my kids have gotten older and needed my time less, I have spent a lot of time in front of the computer that was unnecessary, or in front of the television. In those ways I have wasted too much time. Now don't get me wrong, those things aren't bad in moderation, but I have let a lot of time slip away from me on those pursuits.

  These were some of the ways I have used to hesitate in obeying God. There are probably more ways in which I have wasted time that God could point out. Maybe by worrying, or doubting, instead of trusting and boldly moving forward. Well this year I don't want to shrink from what God wants me to do. I will not be like my puppy and dig my heels in when I am afraid. I want to face it head on with confidence, not in me, but in my God. I want to move forward. I want to follow God whole heartedly. I want to be obedient to what God has for me to do.

  So now what? What is my next step? I don't really know. All I know is that I am willing. I am also wanting to stop worrying, not sure how to go about doing that either, but I came across something today to try...

  I read an article today online about a worry fast, what an interesting idea, I am going to try this. A worry fast is where you refuse to worry. If something causes you to worry, you pray and give it to God, and refuse to worry about it any longer. I sounds easy, but I know that this will be much harder than it sounds for me. It also talked about memorizing scripture to combat the unhealthy thinking. I think I will try to do this for a few days and see what happens.

As for Three Strands...

I am praying for God to step in to my marriage, we are doing well, but I know that God has more in mind for our marriage, our family, I want complete healing and wholeness, and I know God wants that too. I am also going to ask anyone who wants to join me, to get a hold of me through comments on here or on Facebook (Tanis Gray). I would love to meet with other women once a month to pray together. I believe that when we work together God loves it. He says that where two or more are gathered in His name, that He is there. God is the third strand in our marriages. Praise God.

^{Matthew 18:19-20 (NLT)}

 “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. ²⁰ For where two or three gather together as my followers,^[a] I am there among them.”

 Will you join me?

What Am I Afraid Of?

A lot!
As I grow older and look back on my life, I can see that a lot of what I did or didn't do was done out of fear. I know I have parented out of fear (especially after  our daughter Taylor died), I was afraid of letting them out of my sight (still am sometimes), afraid of swimming pools, and beaches, and the list could go on. Even though my kids are teenagers and adults, I still worry about the myriad of things that could go wrong, now though, I have less control, because they need more independence to grow up and learn to take care of themselves. It has been easier with Stephanie and Jaydyn to let them grow up, because they were way more cautious about doing things, I have passed some of my fear down to them (this is something I regret) but they are doing ok. My youngest is a different story, she is 15 1/2 and not really afraid to do anything. I think she is the healthiest in that way, she is not afraid of meeting and making new friends, she goes places by herself, because she wants too.  She knows how to look out for herself, and walk down ways that are safer, she is responsible and lets me know where she is going, and with who, and she has never given me a reason not to trust her. She just has a more adventurous spirit than I have. She is not rebellious and reckless like I was at her age, for that I thank God. She is confidant. At times I envy her.
I also worry about Cam and his health, about decisions we have made concerning the future, my health, etc. The list could go on but I will stop there, You don't need all the boring details. :)
God has been teaching me lately though many different ways that I have been struggling with fear and anxiety for a long time now and that He really wants me to see what I am doing so that I will let Him help me with it. The clearest way He has shown me how I am, is, by showing me what it looks like in our new puppy. I know that I make her more fearful, because of the way I "what if" everything. My puppy has an incredibly hard time encountering anything new, new sounds, new places, new dogs, new people. And I really don't know how to help her. I watch her and feel for her, I wish she had more confidence, and could be the puppy she is with us, with others. It doesn't take her very long when someone comes over to get used to them, then she loves them wholeheartedly, I just wish she didn't start off so scared. She is incredibly smart and learns tricks quickly, it is just the fear that holds her back. I watch Dog Whisperer all the time, it's my favourite show, so I know a lot of her fearful behaviour has to do with me. If I would just relax and not "what if" everything, she would too. We are working at that, and looking for a person that can help us.
We are also going through a series on mental health at church, that is speaking very clearly to me about this issue. Thanks Todd. :)
I have also struggled with fear in our marriage. Cam has never hurt me in anyway, except for in the pornography/lust area. I really don't know why I am afraid of confrontation, or speaking to him about my needs, or our girls needs. He has never physically hurt us, or neglected us. He has been a good husband and father. My dad was also a good man, so I don't even sufferer with past issues in that way. I really don't understand why I think and react the way I do, I just do. Weird!
Anyway lately I have been determined to figure this thing out, trying to get to the bottom of this. I may never actually figure it all out, but need to trust God with this, that He knows, and He is faithful to complete a good work in  me.
Todd gave a us some ideas to help us on Sunday, talking to a doctor, friends, etc. One of the other things Todd said to do was to find and memorize scripture that dealt with fear, and trusting God.  Here are some of the ones I will be trying to memorize :)

 Roman's 8:15-16, 38-39 (NLT)
¹⁵ So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.^[h] Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”^[i] 16For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. 
³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Timothy 1:6-8 (NLT)

⁶ This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. ⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

^{Hebrews 13:5-6 (NLT)
5} Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,

   “I will never fail you.
      I will never abandon you.”^[a]

 ⁶ So we can say with confidence,

   “The LORD is my helper,
      so I will have no fear.
      What can mere people do to me?”^[b]

When I look at God's Word about fear, I realize that not only do I have a problem with fear, but I also have a problem with trusting God with my whole life, and that I have control issues. I think I am having trouble with allowing God to have His way in my life. I want to control what happens. I want my way. But I also realize that because of these things I struggle with fear. 


What I really found interesting is that the only thing I should fear is God, and not in a scary kind of fear (because I am His child, even though He has the power of life and death in my life), but in an awe kind of fear because of His Greatness, His mercy, His power, and His glory. When I get that right, it will make a difference in my life. It really is about trusting God with everything, realizing that He does not want to hurt me, and that He will be with me no matter what happens. So instead of saying what if, I need to say God already knows what is going to happen and He is with me so I don't need to fear. I understand that this lesson will take me a lifetime to learn, I have a lot of very unhealthy patterns to unlearn and replace with truth. I have listened to way too many lies from my enemy. God give me ears only for your truth, free my mind from the fears and limitations that that has placed on my life, help me to live boldly, confidently, fully yours. Thank you God.


I was also very intrigued by these verses below...

^{1 Peter 3:5-7 (NLT)}

⁵ This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. ⁶ For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. ⁷ In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.


This is God's plan for us as wives in the bible, to be like Sarah, to obey without fear. This is what was called beautiful. I was curious why Sarah was pointed out, so I read what scripture said about her, here's some of what I found out...


Sarah's name used to be Sarai. She was married to Abram, who was later to be called Abraham. Abram was told by God to pack up and move away from everything they knew and follow God. Abram wasn't told where they were going, He was just told to follow. So Abram did, and Sarai did as well. During their travels they went through Eygpt, and because she was beautiful, Abram told her to lie and say she was his sister instead of his wife. She did? God took care of her even though her husband's fear got the better of him. Even though The Eygptian ruler took her into his palace, God protected her and didn't let anything happen to her. This happened, not once but twice. She obeyed Abram., and did what she was told, I believe it was because she trusted God, He had come through for her before.
God had also given her a child in her old age and Abram's old age, even though it was impossible, and she did doubt, and tried to do it her way. Her way only caused a lot of problems for her. 
God always did as He said He would. Sarah even trusted God with their only child Isaac, when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, to test Abraham's faith. 

Sarah learned to obey her husband because she learned that God could be trusted, that God was watching out for her, and that God was fully in charge of her life and her family's life. I believe that is why God pointed her out. Her trust in God is remarkable. I am not sure I would have been obedient in her place. I think I would have become a nagging wife. I definitely would have been fearful.

I want to be like Sarah, trusting God no matter what the circumstances.
Cam is a good man, but like anyone else he is human, and makes mistakes. It is hard to give up wanting to do everything my way, especially because of my fear and anxiety. I want to control everything, because I think that if I could just control everything I wouldn't have to fear, but I know in my heart that this way of thinking is a lie.
If left up to me, I would be so frozen with fear in short order, because I can't control everything, that my life really wouldn't be about living at all. I would become a prisoner of my fear.
I want to be able to submit to Cam easily, knowing that it is in God that I put my trust. That God has our best interests at heart, that God has my back :) Then life lived together would become easier, more free and full of the exciting adventure that God would want us to have. There would be no fear of the "what if's", no fear of death, no fear of failure, or of other's opinions, or fear of the future. What would that be like? I would love to find out!! That is the path that God would have me on. Praise God!
This is the path that I am switching to, I am following God, yes I may stray, but I am confident that God will show me when I try to go down the old paths of fear. He wants the best for me, because then He gets all the glory.