Contentment

This is what I lack, I lack contentment.

Contentment means…

A state of happiness and satisfaction.

Other words to describe contentment are…

Satisfaction, fulfillment, happiness, pleasure, comfort, well-being, peace, serenity, tranquility.

The more that you believe that God’s grace to you is overflowing, the more you’ll be convinced that you will always have everything you need. And the more certain you are that you’ll never lack, the more willing and able you’ll be to give of yourself and your resources when called for because you’ll be certain God will always replenish your supply.

People who think that they do not have enough, or think that they are not enough are stingy with their time, selfish with what they have, they hold on with all they have to their time. They are reluctant to invest into others because they are worried that they won’t have enough for themselves, not enough time, talent, resources, money, skill, patience and the list could go on. People who who do not think they have enough worry about the future, because they don’t trust that God has their best interests at heart. He knows what is best even if we don’t think that it’s the best way. His ways are not our ways.

I am finding that this sounds more and more like me, the older I get the less energy I want to expend on others or on my time with God. I want what I want because I want it. And I worry a lot, about everything.

I want more money, family time, more stuff to make my house look nicer, more attention from my husband, more time with my girls. All of these are great things and most of them are worthy of pursuit, but what I am realizing is that those pursuits need to come after my pursuit of God. He needs to be my priority. All those other things that I want more of, because I think if I have them and everything is perfect, then I will be content, do not fill the emptiness that can only be filled with God.

Money can feel nice to have, but it never seems like we have enough. Money will only make me feel good for a spilt second, till I spend it, then move on to my next wish. This fleeting satisfaction drives me to want the next new invention, the better house, car, vacation, new clothes and this list could go on. J It gives me no real lasting satisfaction or peace. I might be happy for a little while, seconds, days, weeks or months, but that happiness goes away when the next want takes over. Money cannot satisfy, it is not meant too. The bible speaks clearly about this in 1 Timothy 6:6-10, 17-19 (NLT)

6 Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. 7 After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. 8 So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content. 9 But people who long to be rich fall into temptation and are trapped by many foolish and harmful desires that plunge them into ruin and destruction. 10 For the love of money is the root of all kinds of evil. And some people, craving money, have wandered from the true faith and pierced themselves with many sorrows.  17 Teach those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which is so unreliable. Their trust should be in God, who richly gives us all we need for our enjoyment. 18 Tell them to use their money to do good. They should be rich in good works and generous to those in need, always being ready to share with others. 19 By doing this they will be storing up their treasure as a good foundation for the future so that they may experience true life.

Money itself is not evil, it is the relentless pursuit of money above God that is wrong. It is never feeling like you have enough, even though you do, that is wrong. It is not sharing out of your abundance with others that really do not have enough, that is wrong. At one time or another I have been wrong on all accounts. Money will not be a source of lasting joy for me ever. I get it. Only God can be my lasting joy, I know this, but old patterns die hard.

Family time is great, watching movies, going out to dinner, going for walks, time in the park or in the back yard around the fire pit, I cherish these times. I love spending time with Cam and our girls, and as our girls get older their boyfriends as well. I look forward to those times. I am grateful that they still want to spend time with their parents. I know that as they get older we will not have as much time with them, so my desire is to grab each moment and hold on for dear life. I want it to be perfect and can get upset when it is not. When there are arguments, or tempers flair, or feelings get hurt when there was no intent of hurting., I get upset when one of us doesn’t engage in the time as much as the others do, or when one doesn’t really want to play the game, or watch the movie the rest wanted. I get frustrated easily when this happens. Silly me, it all works out in the end, we do have a great time anyway, it may not be perfect, but that’s ok because we are not perfect people. J When I put really high expectations on us/me, I let myself down in the process. I need to learn to be content and let God take care of things. God is  the only one who lives up to high expectations. It is unfair of me to expect perfection, it is too much to expect from anyone, it is not humanly possible. I am not perfect, neither is anyone else. Maybe I only see my needs, and don’t really try to see anyone else’s needs. Maybe instead of worrying about perfection, I need to watch closely so that I can see where my family’s needs are, and how I can meet them instead of how they can meet mine. I need to be others focused instead of self focused. J

I believe that in this new season of life  that I am entering God is wanting to teach me to find contentment in Him first. Look to Him before anything else. In Him I find perfection, I find unceasing love, I find incredible grace and mercy. In God I find the ultimate Father, the ultimate friend, the lover of my soul, and my Redeemer. He makes all things new including me. He is the one who is walking with me through each season, He promises that He will be with me no matter what, that He is completely dependable. I so need that reassurance as Cam and I enter a new stage of parenting, parenting adult children.

Life is starting to feel very different lately. My whole life has been very wrapped  up in my children’s lives. My children are growing up quickly, way too quickly for my liking. Where did the time go? I think I forgot to fully enjoy the stages we were in and wished to get to the next stage, like where there was sleepless nights in infancy, or potty training during the toddler years, or the difficult teen years. Hind sight is 20/20. I wish I had spent more time enjoying the stages instead of waiting till they were over. I know I enjoyed lots during those times, I jist wish I could go back and enjoy them more , I wish I knew then how fast that we would be through all of those seasons, maybe then it wouldn’t of felt so daunting at the time. Don’t get me wrong I loved a lot of what went on during those times, but I was always look forward to when I would sleep through the night, when I didn’t have to change dirty diapers, or when I could reason with my toddlers and teenagers. Funny how all those things that were so difficult then seem so much less so in hindsight.

 My children don’t need as much of my time and attention now as when they were little. It is hard to believe that Amanda (24) whom God blessed us with 10 years ago when she was 14 ½ years old is expecting her own child in September, making me a grandma soon(wow). Her boyfriend is great, and she is happy, this makes me happy. It is also hard to believe that Stephanie (22) and her boyfriend of 4 years are talking about marriage. I can’t believe that Jaydyn is turning 18 years old soon, entering adulthood, and will be graduating home schooling  and pursuing her chosen profession. Madison will be turning 16 this year and seems to be growing up far to fast. Also she keeps reminding me that she will be allowed to date when she is 16. L I love my children and I am so very proud of them. God has blessed Cam and I so richly with these four beautiful daughters. I know that as things change and our children grow up and move out and live their own lives we will continue to be in their lives and them in ours, but it will be different. I believe that there  will also be a lot that is the same, the love we feel for them will be the same, maybe richer and deeper as we all mature more, the sense of family and belonging will still be the same, but it will also expand as our daughters marry and have children, and our hearts will expand too to include whom God brings into their lives. The feeling in our hearts, the pride, the dreaming and hoping for great things for them will never end in this life, it will only continue to grow as God has intended for it to grow. I am so grateful for all that God has blessed Cam and I with in the gifts of each of our daughters, they are exactly who we need to grow and mature and become better ourselves. They have taught us so much over the years, God has been so good to us.

As I stand on the precipice of a new season, I worry, because I usually do, I worry about all the changes. I feel like there are going to be too many changes soon God. Am I ready for this? I believe that God is saying to me that I am ready, not by myself though, but only with His help.

 I understand that our nest will be empty sooner than I want it too be. I will also have no control on my daughters day to day decisions, they are growing up and need to take that responsibility on themselves, I find that exhilarating and scary at the same time. Weird huh? I worry about them a little, life can be difficult, it can be a little scary, there are consequences to choices made, some good some bad. Have we prepared them enough? I think so. But I think the real question is do I trust God with them? I believe so? They are all beautiful, intelligent, capable young women. They know God and have trusted Him with their lives, He will walk with them in whatever paths He chooses to take them on. I know this, so why the trepidation? Incredibly He loves them even more than I do. I can’t even imagine the depth of that love??? This is the love He has for me too??? INCREDIBLE!!!! Do I trust God? Will I trust Him? He is asking me this. Yes I do!

Will I learn this lesson of contentment even when everything seems to be changing? I hope so. I believe this is an important lesson, one that He has been trying to teach me for so long. Will I ever fully find my contentment in God and rest in Him and His love for me? Will I ever trust Him so completely that I will not be thrown for a loop when things seem difficult or out of my control? Will I trust Him in everything? With my whole life, and trust Him to be God in my daughter’s lives? I am choosing today to trust Him in all things. I may question Him, but I pray that He reminds me that I have chosen to trust Him completely. I have chosen to be content whatever the circumstances. This is a hard statement for me to make. I have not trusted God easily. I have loved Him easily, He makes that easy, because of His great love for me. But trust has been hard for me, because His ways have not always been my ways. So I find it hard to trust and be content no matter what.

 I NEED TO LEARN TO BE CONTENT WITH ALL THESE CHANGES. I NEED TO FIND MY CONTENTMENT IN GOD. When I am content, I am happy, peaceful, satisfied and fulfilled, God promises me all these things in Him. My family is a blessing from God. God has loved them before I even knew them, for He is their Creator. He loves that I love them, but my relationship with God is to be my first priority. When He is first then I am content, because He meets every need that I have. I will continue being content as I continue to pursue Him first. Then I won’t worry about everything being perfect, or needing the next new thing, Praise God that He is enough, actually He is more than enough!

When I let Him be my more than enough, my peace, joy, and contentment will overflow and spill over onto those around me, my family, my friends, and anyone God places in my path. I will not worry about having enough, because He is enough. I will be able to give freely of my time, my energy, my resources, I will be able to invest in others because God will continue to fill me up, I will never be empty again. Praise God!

When I let God be my more than enough, then I can be the Wife and Mother and soon to be grandmother that my family needs me to be. I can be the daughter, sister, and aunt that my extended family needs me to be. Only then can I be the friend, teacher, and confidant that those around me need me to be. Only when God is first in my life, and His loves spills out of me and splashes on those that He places in my life and on my path will I be content, and then have enough to invest in others. I am grateful that God has chosen to love me enough to teach me that I have not been content lately, and has shown me where I need to go to find the source of complete contentment. HIM!

A Shield Mate’s Journey

What is a shield mate?

Have you ever seen a battle scene in a movie where one person is fighting with a sword, and someone was beside him holding a shield and protecting him on the opposite side from the sword, not hindering the one actively fighting. They worked together and were a much better team than if they were alone. Marriage is like that. Husband and wife are to be a team fighting together against an enemy. God has put the two of you together to fight alongside each other, and protect each other. Many times the case is often the opposite, we are fighting against each other, and the enemy is watching with great delight as we win the battle in his favor instead of for our King.

I believe that as a wife, it is my job to be my husband’s shield mate. If my husband is engaged in the battle, he is the one actively fighting and protecting my children and I from the enemy. If he is not I feel lost, alone and vulnerable. If he is not it is my job to encourage him to follow The King into battle. When he does, I need to join him in the battle as his shield mate. I need to block and protect my husband from attacks lobed by the enemy. I also need to block my husband from pursuing, and falling for the enemy’s tricks and lies. My job is to point him back to obeying and following hard after The King.

Why, do I need to be a shield mate?

We are in a battle. This battle is for our souls. The battle between good and evil. A battle between God (our King) and Satan (the enemy). 

Our enemy’s job is to kill, steal and destroy anything and everything that God has made and loves. 

God has designed marriage and said that it was not good for man to be alone. When God made Eve from Adam’s side, and brought them together God pronounced it very good, not just good. God knew that life would be hard to live alone. He knew that Adam would need a helpmate/helper suitable. In Hebrew those words are translated Ezer kenegdo. Ezer is used in the bible to describe only God Himself, when man desperately needed God to come through, to be a life saver.  

The true Hebrew meaning of “ezer”  is actually a combination of two words, strength and power. Definitions of ezer that are used in the Bible can mean “to save” or “to be strong.” In Genesis 2:18b, when God speaks of the woman He is to create to relieve the man’s loneliness, He is surely not creating this woman to be the man’s savior. This makes no sense. God creates this new human to be, like the man, a power (or strength) superior to the animals. This is the true meaning of ezer as it is used in this passage.

The second word from Genesis 2:18b that we must examine is kenegdô. This word appears in the Bible only once.  In Hebrew, the root keneged means “equal,” When God creates Eve from Adam’s rib, I believe that His intent is that she will be—unlike the animals—”a power (or strength) equal to him.”  ezer

kenegdo fills the literary function of two phrases in Genesis 1—“in the image of God” and “male and female He created them.” Eve is in Adam’s image to the degree that she is his equal—just as man is created in God’s image in that he fulfills an comparable role, “male and female He created them” does not lead us to conclude the superiority of either.

“The word ezer is used only twenty other places in the entire Old Testament.  And in every other instance the person being described is God himself, when you need him to come through for you *desperately*. (Deut 33:26, 29; Ps 121:1-2; Ps 33:20; Ps 115:9-11) 

“Most of the contexts are life and death by the way, and God is your only hope.  Your ezer.  If he is not there beside you…you are dead. A better translation therefore for ezer would be “lifesaver”. Kenegdo means alongside, or opposite to, a counterpart.”  "Redeemed women of God have tender, merciful hearts, backbones of steel, and hands that have been trained for battle. There is something incredibly fierce in the heart of a woman that is to be contended with, not dismissed, not disdained, but recognized, honored, welcomed and trained." (Captivating, 31-32)

So get ready for battle ladies, put on the Armor of God and take your place beside your husband. Engage and fight beside  him, not against him, but together, side by side, protecting each other, lifting each other up, pointing each other to God, encouraging one another. That is the only way to survive the attacks launched against God's beloved children. We need to work together for the benefit of each other and for those God has blessed us with our children. To work against each other is to work for the enemy. To work and fight against each other, only with yourself in mind is also a way you will join with the enemies ranks. Life together is meant to be shared, not to be looking out for number one. It is to look out for the others that God has put into your life as well. God meant for you to be equal partners in this life. He told Adam and Eve to rule over the earth and subdue it. He did not mean for us to be alone, we are equally needed in this battle. 

Praise God!

^{Genesis 2:18, 20b-24 (NIRV)} The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him."
 But Adam didn't find a helper that was right for him. So the Lord God caused him to fall into a deep sleep. While the man was sleeping, the Lord God took out one of his ribs. He closed up the opening that was in his side.
 Then the Lord God made a woman. He made her from the rib he had taken out of the man. And he brought her to him.
  The man said,
   "Her bones have come from my bones.
      Her body has come from my body.
   She will be named 'woman,'
      because she was taken out of a man."

That's why a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. The two of them will become one.

^{Genesis 1:26-28 (NIRV)}

 Then God said, "Let us make man in our likeness. Let them rule over the fish in the waters and the birds of the air. Let them rule over the livestock and over the whole earth. Let them rule over all of the creatures that move along the ground."

  So God created man in his own likeness.
      He created him in the likeness of God.
      He created them as male and female.

     God blessed them. He said to them, "Have children and increase your numbers. Fill the earth and bring it under your control. Rule over the fish in the waters and the birds of the air. Rule over every living creature that moves on the ground."

To Boldly Go Where I Haven't Gone Before. Following My God Wholeheartedly.

  I am so glad God showed how He used a man like Moses. I feel a little like Moses these days.
Moses was given a mission by God that he felt unqualified to do. He felt like the people God was sending him too wouldn't listen to him. Moses even asked God to pick someone else to do the job God gave to him. This was all after Moses heard God speak to him through a burning bush that wasn't being destroyed by the fire. 


Exodus 3:10-15,  (NLT)
 Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. You must lead my people Israel out of Egypt.”
  But Moses protested to God, “Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?”
  God answered, “I will be with you. And this is your sign that I am the one who has sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you will worship God at this very mountain.”
  But Moses protested, “If I go to the people of Israel and tell them, ‘The God of your ancestors has sent me to you,’ they will ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what should I tell them?”
 God replied to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM.^[d] Say this to the people of Israel: I AM has sent me to you.”  God also said to Moses, “Say this to the people of Israel: Yahweh,^[e] the God of your ancestors—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob—has sent me to you.
Exodus 4:1, 10-13 (NLT)
 But Moses protested again, “What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The LORD never appeared to you’?”

 But Moses pleaded with the LORD, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”
  Then the LORD asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the LORD?  Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.”
  But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.”


  I understand a bit about how Moses might have been feeling. I didn't see a burning bush or hear an audible voice, but I heard one in my soul. I didn't get a mission to save God's people from slavery to the Egyptians, but I did get a mission to tell women what God thinks of them, and how much they are loved and valued, because He made them. I also got a mission to gather women to pray for their marriages.
I know that I have some of the same worries as Moses, why me? Who am I to be doing that? What will I say? God you know I don't speak well, that I am shy and nervous even with a few women. And God knows that I have asked Him to pick someone else to do this. I know that I am unqualified by the world's standards or by mine. :)

  And yet the calling is still there, and there is an urgency in it, just last night I got a message to stop squandering my time and get to work. I am hesitant because I have no clue how to begin. I am not used to leading something, I am not really an organized person, I am shy, I like to lurk in the background, that is where I am most comfortable.

  I have spoken to a few women's groups about my story and my jewelry Broken Clay, but I am still not completely comfortable with that. Although I do love talk about how God has been good to me and my family. What God has done in my life is exciting to talk about. God is wonderfully exciting! Living life with Him is a beautiful adventure. I will be forever grateful for His grace and mercy in my life. 
I have told God on numerous occasions that I want to live my whole life for Him, I think this is what He is asking of me.


  I think He is waiting to see if I will even trust Him with what I am most afraid of, my success or failure. He understands me, because He made me. He understands the fears that I have, my self doubt, my feelings of not measuring up. I wonder what He thinks when I keep bringing these questions and fears up to Him, does He get frustrated with me? Does He say to me  “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the LORD? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” like He did to Moses? Probably! 


  It is funny that I read this today after I clearly heard Him say stop squandering your time. Squander isn't a term I use, but I understood by the tone that I heard it used in, that it was warning me that I was hesitating when I should be moving. Sorry God.
I looked up squander and here is what I found
squander |ˈskwändər|verb [ trans. ]waste (something, esp. money or time) in a reckless and foolish manner• allow (an opportunity) to pass or be lost

  I think both those definitions could be used for what I am doing by hesitating. God has asked me to do this before, about 6 years ago was the first time, then again in 2008, and again 2010, 2011, and 2012. Each time I found other things to do with my time, mainly good things. A lot of what I did was good, like raising and homeschooling my girls (that was not wasted time, because I believe that my girls are gifts to Cam and I, and the the most important ministry God gave to us), working on our marriage (also a gift from God), the everyday lists of things needed to take care of our house and family, being a friend, and a daughter. Those are all good things, and needed to be done, not wasteful. But, I also know that as my kids have gotten older and needed my time less, I have spent a lot of time in front of the computer that was unnecessary, or in front of the television. In those ways I have wasted too much time. Now don't get me wrong, those things aren't bad in moderation, but I have let a lot of time slip away from me on those pursuits.

  These were some of the ways I have used to hesitate in obeying God. There are probably more ways in which I have wasted time that God could point out. Maybe by worrying, or doubting, instead of trusting and boldly moving forward. Well this year I don't want to shrink from what God wants me to do. I will not be like my puppy and dig my heels in when I am afraid. I want to face it head on with confidence, not in me, but in my God. I want to move forward. I want to follow God whole heartedly. I want to be obedient to what God has for me to do.

  So now what? What is my next step? I don't really know. All I know is that I am willing. I am also wanting to stop worrying, not sure how to go about doing that either, but I came across something today to try...

  I read an article today online about a worry fast, what an interesting idea, I am going to try this. A worry fast is where you refuse to worry. If something causes you to worry, you pray and give it to God, and refuse to worry about it any longer. I sounds easy, but I know that this will be much harder than it sounds for me. It also talked about memorizing scripture to combat the unhealthy thinking. I think I will try to do this for a few days and see what happens.

As for Three Strands...

I am praying for God to step in to my marriage, we are doing well, but I know that God has more in mind for our marriage, our family, I want complete healing and wholeness, and I know God wants that too. I am also going to ask anyone who wants to join me, to get a hold of me through comments on here or on Facebook (Tanis Gray). I would love to meet with other women once a month to pray together. I believe that when we work together God loves it. He says that where two or more are gathered in His name, that He is there. God is the third strand in our marriages. Praise God.

^{Matthew 18:19-20 (NLT)}

 “I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. ²⁰ For where two or three gather together as my followers,^[a] I am there among them.”

 Will you join me?

What Am I Afraid Of?

A lot!
As I grow older and look back on my life, I can see that a lot of what I did or didn't do was done out of fear. I know I have parented out of fear (especially after  our daughter Taylor died), I was afraid of letting them out of my sight (still am sometimes), afraid of swimming pools, and beaches, and the list could go on. Even though my kids are teenagers and adults, I still worry about the myriad of things that could go wrong, now though, I have less control, because they need more independence to grow up and learn to take care of themselves. It has been easier with Stephanie and Jaydyn to let them grow up, because they were way more cautious about doing things, I have passed some of my fear down to them (this is something I regret) but they are doing ok. My youngest is a different story, she is 15 1/2 and not really afraid to do anything. I think she is the healthiest in that way, she is not afraid of meeting and making new friends, she goes places by herself, because she wants too.  She knows how to look out for herself, and walk down ways that are safer, she is responsible and lets me know where she is going, and with who, and she has never given me a reason not to trust her. She just has a more adventurous spirit than I have. She is not rebellious and reckless like I was at her age, for that I thank God. She is confidant. At times I envy her.
I also worry about Cam and his health, about decisions we have made concerning the future, my health, etc. The list could go on but I will stop there, You don't need all the boring details. :)
God has been teaching me lately though many different ways that I have been struggling with fear and anxiety for a long time now and that He really wants me to see what I am doing so that I will let Him help me with it. The clearest way He has shown me how I am, is, by showing me what it looks like in our new puppy. I know that I make her more fearful, because of the way I "what if" everything. My puppy has an incredibly hard time encountering anything new, new sounds, new places, new dogs, new people. And I really don't know how to help her. I watch her and feel for her, I wish she had more confidence, and could be the puppy she is with us, with others. It doesn't take her very long when someone comes over to get used to them, then she loves them wholeheartedly, I just wish she didn't start off so scared. She is incredibly smart and learns tricks quickly, it is just the fear that holds her back. I watch Dog Whisperer all the time, it's my favourite show, so I know a lot of her fearful behaviour has to do with me. If I would just relax and not "what if" everything, she would too. We are working at that, and looking for a person that can help us.
We are also going through a series on mental health at church, that is speaking very clearly to me about this issue. Thanks Todd. :)
I have also struggled with fear in our marriage. Cam has never hurt me in anyway, except for in the pornography/lust area. I really don't know why I am afraid of confrontation, or speaking to him about my needs, or our girls needs. He has never physically hurt us, or neglected us. He has been a good husband and father. My dad was also a good man, so I don't even sufferer with past issues in that way. I really don't understand why I think and react the way I do, I just do. Weird!
Anyway lately I have been determined to figure this thing out, trying to get to the bottom of this. I may never actually figure it all out, but need to trust God with this, that He knows, and He is faithful to complete a good work in  me.
Todd gave a us some ideas to help us on Sunday, talking to a doctor, friends, etc. One of the other things Todd said to do was to find and memorize scripture that dealt with fear, and trusting God.  Here are some of the ones I will be trying to memorize :)

 Roman's 8:15-16, 38-39 (NLT)
¹⁵ So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.^[h] Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”^[i] 16For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. 
³⁸ And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,^[a] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

2 Timothy 1:6-8 (NLT)

⁶ This is why I remind you to fan into flames the spiritual gift God gave you when I laid my hands on you. ⁷ For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

^{Hebrews 13:5-6 (NLT)
5} Don’t love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God has said,

   “I will never fail you.
      I will never abandon you.”^[a]

 ⁶ So we can say with confidence,

   “The LORD is my helper,
      so I will have no fear.
      What can mere people do to me?”^[b]

When I look at God's Word about fear, I realize that not only do I have a problem with fear, but I also have a problem with trusting God with my whole life, and that I have control issues. I think I am having trouble with allowing God to have His way in my life. I want to control what happens. I want my way. But I also realize that because of these things I struggle with fear. 


What I really found interesting is that the only thing I should fear is God, and not in a scary kind of fear (because I am His child, even though He has the power of life and death in my life), but in an awe kind of fear because of His Greatness, His mercy, His power, and His glory. When I get that right, it will make a difference in my life. It really is about trusting God with everything, realizing that He does not want to hurt me, and that He will be with me no matter what happens. So instead of saying what if, I need to say God already knows what is going to happen and He is with me so I don't need to fear. I understand that this lesson will take me a lifetime to learn, I have a lot of very unhealthy patterns to unlearn and replace with truth. I have listened to way too many lies from my enemy. God give me ears only for your truth, free my mind from the fears and limitations that that has placed on my life, help me to live boldly, confidently, fully yours. Thank you God.


I was also very intrigued by these verses below...

^{1 Peter 3:5-7 (NLT)}

⁵ This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful. They trusted God and accepted the authority of their husbands. ⁶ For instance, Sarah obeyed her husband, Abraham, and called him her master. You are her daughters when you do what is right without fear of what your husbands might do. ⁷ In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.


This is God's plan for us as wives in the bible, to be like Sarah, to obey without fear. This is what was called beautiful. I was curious why Sarah was pointed out, so I read what scripture said about her, here's some of what I found out...


Sarah's name used to be Sarai. She was married to Abram, who was later to be called Abraham. Abram was told by God to pack up and move away from everything they knew and follow God. Abram wasn't told where they were going, He was just told to follow. So Abram did, and Sarai did as well. During their travels they went through Eygpt, and because she was beautiful, Abram told her to lie and say she was his sister instead of his wife. She did? God took care of her even though her husband's fear got the better of him. Even though The Eygptian ruler took her into his palace, God protected her and didn't let anything happen to her. This happened, not once but twice. She obeyed Abram., and did what she was told, I believe it was because she trusted God, He had come through for her before.
God had also given her a child in her old age and Abram's old age, even though it was impossible, and she did doubt, and tried to do it her way. Her way only caused a lot of problems for her. 
God always did as He said He would. Sarah even trusted God with their only child Isaac, when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, to test Abraham's faith. 

Sarah learned to obey her husband because she learned that God could be trusted, that God was watching out for her, and that God was fully in charge of her life and her family's life. I believe that is why God pointed her out. Her trust in God is remarkable. I am not sure I would have been obedient in her place. I think I would have become a nagging wife. I definitely would have been fearful.

I want to be like Sarah, trusting God no matter what the circumstances.
Cam is a good man, but like anyone else he is human, and makes mistakes. It is hard to give up wanting to do everything my way, especially because of my fear and anxiety. I want to control everything, because I think that if I could just control everything I wouldn't have to fear, but I know in my heart that this way of thinking is a lie.
If left up to me, I would be so frozen with fear in short order, because I can't control everything, that my life really wouldn't be about living at all. I would become a prisoner of my fear.
I want to be able to submit to Cam easily, knowing that it is in God that I put my trust. That God has our best interests at heart, that God has my back :) Then life lived together would become easier, more free and full of the exciting adventure that God would want us to have. There would be no fear of the "what if's", no fear of death, no fear of failure, or of other's opinions, or fear of the future. What would that be like? I would love to find out!! That is the path that God would have me on. Praise God!
This is the path that I am switching to, I am following God, yes I may stray, but I am confident that God will show me when I try to go down the old paths of fear. He wants the best for me, because then He gets all the glory.

Clarification

I just wanted everyone to be clear, I am not complaining, everyone has their tough times in life, and every parent makes mistakes, ask our girls, we do too, I’m just giving some background about what we had felt or had experienced in our lives, so that we could  help you understand how great our God is, and what a miracle He has performed in us.  We also wanted others who might benefit from this blog to understand that we get it. That we may have had similar experiences.

We never wanted anyone to take this as a personal attack, not my family, or Cam’s, and I’m sorry if it felt that way. That was absolutely not my intention. It was not said out of malice, or hatred.

That being said, I also believe what I have written to be an honest assessment of our feelings.

God in His mercy has done so much for us, both personally and in our marriage. Yes, we still struggle, but definitely not to the same degree, or with the same things. God is not finished with us yet and God won’t quit till we are what He created us to be, a Masterpiece. All we wanted to accomplish with this blog is to reveal God’s mercy and His glory through our story. God is good, and continues to prove that to us over and over.

I wanted you to understand to what depth my soul was in pain, and Cam’s. Everyone’s perspective is a little different than someone else’s. What we saw and felt may have been quite different from another’s perspective, but that doesn’t change how we felt at the time. It doesn’t change the message our heart's received growing up.

I hated myself! understand that! I hid from those who loved me most, I never reached out the way I should have for help. God reached out to me. I was always afraid, always anxious. I probably looked stuck up, because I kept to myself and my kids, but that was the level of my anxiety. I even hid from Cam. I couldn’t seem to get beyond my pain until God reached out to me, and for that I am forever grateful. I am not the same woman I used to be, it has been a slow gradual change. I am glad He has been patient with me, I know I couldn’t have done it alone. God is always good!

I would like for this blog to be a place where others can see what God has done with us, and gain hope for their own situations. I want to give God all the glory, it has not been done in our strength, but God’s.

God bless you as you read this, may He reach down into your lives and do miraculous things for you. God loves to make miracles out of broken people. Praise God He doesn’t leave us the way we are!

A Little More Of Our Story

I know God is asking me to share more of our story, I think it is to help others to understand that, although I don't know exactly what you feel in your situation, that I do understand some of what you are feeling. I am not sure who is reading this, but God knows and he wants to reach you, care for you and ask you to put your trust in Him. It's the only way! How do I know this? I know because of the journey that I have been on.
Cam and I have been together 25 and a half years in total. Dating for one and half, living together for another year and a half, and then married for 22 and a half years. Some of these years have been great years with wonderful memories, some of them have been mediocre, plodding along kind of years, and some of them have downright sucked.
We met during my years of rebellion against anything I grew up learning. I met Cam when I was at the end of my 17th year. I hated myself and didn't really care what I did. In some ways I was trying hard to ruin myself. I knew right from wrong, I grew up in a Christian, Bible believing home. I knew the rules of conduct that I was supposed to keep as a good girl, and I did everything I could to trash that. I didn't want to be a good girl, that hadn't got me very far...
I was rejected by the kids in school, ridiculed, bullied, just because I was the good girl, the shy one who never told on them. I was ridiculed by my teachers for being a suck, or a slow learner. Even at home I never felt like I measured up to what my mom wanted me to be.
I was used goods, I had been molested by a friend in the neighbourhood at 10, raped at a party at the beginning of my 17th year, and used for whatever someone could get out of me. No one really wanted to know who I was, they only wanted someone who would agree with their lifestyle and party, or someone who they could take advantage of, someone who wouldn't fight back. That was me! Oh, I looked like I was having fun on the outside, but on the inside I was a mess. I let others convince me that I was not enough, that I needed their friendships for validation. That my life was only needed as a way to meet their needs. I think the enemy of my soul had whispered those lies to me for most of my life, so it didn't take much for me to believe them.
This is who I was when I met Cam, I was a mess, I had bottled myself up, refusing to show anyone the real me, in case they destroyed what little there was of me. I was also seething underneath the surface, angry, so angry at what life had dealt me, and angry at God, if there was a God, who would be so cruel. I was a shattered empty shell of a person.
Cam had his issues as well, he had self esteem issues, he felt like he never measured up, his heart was broken by a previous girlfriend who had not been faithful, he had been let down by his parents who were too tired or too busy to pay attention to their youngest child, he felt like he wasn't enough to hold their attention, he was a loner, seemingly content to be alone in his room with his music and his books. Fantasy was better than reality. He looked tough and confidant on the outside, but inside he was a scared, lonely little boy desperately seeking approval, who's self esteem was shattered.
Both of us were broken, both of us came into this relationship looking for different things, needing different needs met. Cam upon later confession I learned had determined that he would not allow anyone else to hurt him as badly as the last girl, so he decided he would use them and then leave them, leaving women in his wake instead of being used and hurt again. I was the next one. I had been hurt so much, that I never gave anyone a chance, when they got close to seeing who I was I would break up with the guys I dated and there were quite a few. I didn't want to be hurt. But what my soul was crying out for was someone who could see past my walls and would want to get to know me. Someone who would not use me.
 I met Cam shortly after we found out my dad was dying of Acute Leukaemia. I was devastated, I loved my dad more than anyone else in my world, he was the only one it seemed at the time, that really tried to know me and loved who I was. When I would run away from home after a fight with my mom, he would follow me in the car, and try to talk with me, actually he would sit there and listen as I complained about my mom. He would say he loved me, he would take me out for coffee, and sometimes dinner, just to try to understand what was going on. He was a quiet and gentle man. He didn't want to fight, and avoided conflict at all costs, including in making me respect my mom or helping my mom to understand that I was in pain.
Anyway to make a point in all of this, we were two really messed up kids, trying desperately to find an anchor in life, and we found each other in our storms. This was probably not the ideal situation, even though I believe that Cam was the one that God had for me, we were broken, and probably to fragile to be together.
We were both selfish in our motives.
At the time we both loved to party with our friends and go to the bars or to a lounge and drink to have a good time. I would often sleep over at his house on the weekends when his parents were at the cabin. I knew the rules of being a good girl, but I didn't keep any of them. Cam wasn't taught Christian values at home, as his parents didn't go to church or encourage their kids to either, so to Cam our life was the normal accepted way to be in a relationship, but I knew different and was being torn up inside because of the guilt I was feeling, but doing my best to stuff it and ignore my feelings. Cam is the only guy I ever brought home to meet my parents, there was something different about him.
Cam's plans to just use the next girl and then leave her never worked out for him, he was too good. I was going through a really hard time, my dad was dying, and I was having a hard time coping with the realities of that, so he couldn't bring himself to leave me even though at times he has told me it was tough to stick it out. I was a mess.
After my dad died my mom kicked me out because she was grieving and couldn't cope with a rebellious disrespectful daughter. Cam supported me for awhile while I was on my own, then we decided to move in together. That worked out pretty good, so we decided to get married.
Our relationship changed after we got married. All my unresolved guilt about my molestation when I was young, and the rape in my teen years, and our premarital sex got to me. I became someone different than Cam had come to know. I became cold, unresponsive, a prude. Sex was not fun after we got married, which was weird, because now it was supposed to be the right timing for it. We grew distant, I became pregnant with our first child 3 months after we got married, and I was even more cold toward Cam. My whole life became focused on our daughter, I forgot about Cam.
Cam was used to being alone, and he retreated from us. I didn't really notice though until many years later, approximately 15 years later. During that time we had 4 more daughters. One through foster care. Our second daughter lived for 12 weeks and died of SIDS, which made me even more focused on our children, I couldn't bear the thought of losing another, Cam retreated more in his own grief, and became angry and resentful of me and the kids. I started noticing the distance between us when our girls grew older and didn't need me as much, but by then Cam had been desperately hurt by my indifference to his needs and my lack of attention. He felt unloved, unwanted. We felt like we were only roommates, using each other for what we needed, me a provider and father for our kids, and him a mother and the occasional sex when ever he could get it. (not very often)
I knew before we got married that Cam viewed porn, and went to the strip clubs with his friends, but I assumed that after we were married, and for sure after he became a Christian that those things weren't an issue anymore. I saw no evidence and so I really never thought about it until in 2005, I was shocked when I started up our computer one day and there it was, an eporn magazine. That devastated me. How could he, no wonder he was so distant, how could I measure up to that. How disgusting!!!
I was angry, but God met me in that anger and helped me to see that we both needed to work on our marriage, that I couldn't just expect Cam to change and stop what he was doing, but that I had a part to play in the healing of our marriage. God led me to a website called Setting Captives Free. There was an online course for those with a pornography addiction, and there was a course for the spouses as well. It was  a 60 day course, and there were online mentors. I approached Cam with this idea the next day, and he reluctantly agreed. It was only because I was willing to do work too that he agreed. At first I was angry, the course for the spouses let me know that I needed to work on the issues that I brought to our marriage, it didn't just give me an outlet with someone on the other side feeling sorry for me, but I was committed to do this, so I continued with dogged determination. Cam on the other hand was not as committed to doing the course and many times I was a nagging wife cajoling him to do his lessons. Cam struggled with his addiction and he was not "cured" at the end of the course. Many times I would catch something on the computer even though he was computer savvy, I'm not sure if he was lazy or if God in His mercy allowed me to see what Cam didn't want me to see, so that he would get back on track to God's healing. Ultimately it took a series of illnesses for Cam to realize that God didn't want this pattern to continue, and that God wanted to be first in Cam's life, not Cam's addiction to porn. Cam started to listen when God laid him flat on his back in the hospital 6 times in one year, the last in ICU for 2 days and then 10 days in the hospital. When Cam realized that God had to be first, he changed, God filled that empty place that Cam had been stuffing with porn. Cam realized that the porn didn't satisfy like God did. When he understood that the emptiness he was trying to fill was meant to be filled with God, Cam found freedom. It is not always easy for him, and temptation loves to rear it's ugly head,  but now Cam has a battle plan and uses it. I have also learned how to encourage Cam, and we are on a journey together to learn how best to support, love and respect  one another. I believe that God has used what Satan meant for destruction for His glory. Our marriage is so much better than it used to be because we are honest with each other, and before God, we don't hold back from each other anymore. We are still on a journey, but a journey together with God, full of adventure and discovery. It is exciting! Praise God for His mercies, He is healing two broken souls, and knitting them together as one.
Cam runs a group for men with sexual addictions now. He wants other men to find their freedom in God like he has, and I run a group for women who are struggling because of their husbands addiction. We wives also need to find our freedom from hurt and pain, and our healing from our issues through Jesus. We cannot stuff it, or expect our husbands to do all the work in our relationships, we bring garbage too, we need to work on our own issues. When we invite God into our pain and struggle, God blesses the work that we do, He then blesses the marriages, He blesses it with Himself, and that is all anyone ever needs. Praise God that His mercies are new every morning.
 

Submission? What does it really mean?

This is a hard concept for me, I don’t believe I was taught this at home, and neither was Cam. Our society struggles with this word as well. Everybody wants their own way. In our culture everybody looks out for number one! And then there is the old saying that if momma ain’t happy then no one is happy. So what are we to do with the word submit in the bible? What does submission mean? How do we apply it today? Maybe it was only meant for that time and culture. We live in different times, is it really meant for us?

Well to even begin to understand it, I want to research what it means, first I will look in the bible, then the dictionary and maybe I will come up with a working definition. Here we go…

Ephesians 5:21-33 (The Voice)

And the Spirit makes it possible to submit humbly to one another out of respect for the anointed. Wives, it should be no different with your husbands. Submit to them as you do to the Lord, for God has given husbands a sacred duty to lead as the Annointed leads the church and serves as the head. (The church is His body; He is her Savior.) So wives should submit to their husbands, respectfully, in all things, just as the church yields to the Annointed One.

Husbands, you must love your wives so deeply, purely, and sacrificially that we can only when we compare it to the love the Annointed One has for His bride, the church. We know He gave Himself up completely to make her His own, washing her clean of all her impurity with water and the powerful presence of His word. He has given Himself so that He can present the church as His radiant bride, unstained, unwrinkled, and unblemished – completely free from all impurity – holy and innocent before Him. So husbands should care for their wives as if their lives depended on it, the same way they care for their own bodies. As you love her, you ultimately are loving part of yourself (remember, you are one flesh) No one really hates his own body; he takes care to feed and love it, just as the Annointed takes care of His church, because we are living members of His body. “And this is the reason a man leaves his father and his mother and is united with his wife; the two come together as one flesh.” There is a great mystery reflected in this scripture, and I say that it has to do with the Annointed One and the church. Nevertheless, each husband is to love and protect his own wife as if she were his very heart, and each wife is to respect her own husband.

The word submit in the bible is the greek word Hypotassō which means

 - to arrange under, to subordinate

2) to subject, put in subjection

3) to subject one's self, obey

4) to submit to one's control

5) to yield to one's admonition or advice

6) to obey, be subject

This word was a Greek military term meaning "to arrange [troop divisions] in a military fashion under the command of a leader". In non-military use, it was "a voluntary attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility, and carrying a burden".

In marriage or non military use submit was used to say that the wife was to voluntarily give in, or cooperate with her husband. She is not supposed to fight against him, she is to cooperate with him. When I look at the definition of cooperation in the dictionary this is what I find…

cooperate (also co-operate)

act jointly; work toward the same end • assist someone or comply with their requests

the Thesaurus says …

cooperate

verb

1 collaborate, work together, work side by side, join forces, unite,

2 be of assistance, assist, help, lend a hand

So we are to work together, join forces, team up, assist, help…, ok what is so hard about that? Nothing but my ego and my selfish, self seeking nature. I want my own way, it is hard to see someone else’s point of view, especially if it doesn’t line up with my point of view. If it doesn’t line up, I need to submit/cooperate with Cam. We need to discuss the issue, both of us, and if we don’t agree, I need to give in. What’s up with that God? how come I need to be the one to give in??? This totally goes against what I have been taught.

Of course I believe my way is better, so does Cam. If we constantly fight for the other to see our point of view and no one gives in, nothing gets done, we can’t move on… chaos ensues. Then how healthy is our marriage? Do I want to be right at all costs, even the cost of a healthy, happy marriage, and then a happy, healthy family? God I think I may see the point of submitting, please help me with this. Give me the strength and the courage to trust you and in turn trust Cam with the ability to make wise choices.

(See note at the bottom of the article if there is any violence or neglect in your marriage. This is definitely not God’s plan for you and your children!!!)

When I place Cam at the head of our family, the place God put him (God gave Cam this authority under Himself). Cam becomes accountable to God for the decisions he makes. God wants what is best for us, He wants to give us abundant life, God wants to prosper us, not to harm us, so the real question is can I trust God, that He knows better than me, Can I trust God with my life? This is the real question.

I believe I can. God has proved Himself trustworthy in my life in so many incredible ways. I believe that God will lead Cam to do what is best for me and our girls. I still struggle with wanting my own way, and I know that Cam has made some unwise choices in the past, and because he is human he will in the future… but the more I encourage Cam to look to God and seek God’s plans for our life, the better life will be for all of us. This is not about nagging, but encouraging. There is a BIG difference between those two words.

nagging

adjective

1 complaining, grumbling, fault-finding, criticizing.

2 persistent, continuous, unrelenting

nag ¹

verb

1 harass, badger, give someone a hard time, criticize, find fault with, henpeck

2 worry, bother, annoy, irritate

encourage |enˈkərij; -ˈkə-rij|

verb [ trans. ]

give support, confidence, or hope to (someone)

• give support and advice 

• help

ORIGIN Middle English (formerly also as incourage): from French encourager, from   en- ‘in’ + corage ‘courage.’

I love that this word submit in the New Testament times was a military term. If we look at our modern military and the way it is run, we see order, that there is someone in command (in charge) and everyone else is under their command. This is normal and there is no objections, or refusal to do as the one in command tells them to do. If everyone rejected or refused to do what they were told and did it their way, there would be absolute chaos. It is a given that you obey your commanding officer. If there is order they are more effective in battle, the job gets done. There is an attitude of giving in, cooperating, assuming responsibility and carrying/sharing a burden. The higher the rank in the military the higher the level of responsibility and accountability there is.

This is the same with marriage, if everyone is fighting for their way in marriage it is chaos, and nothing good comes out of chaos, only pain and suffering. We are in a battle together against unseen forces in the spiritual realm, we need to join forces against the evil that intends to steal, kill and destroy from us personally, in our marriages and from our families. Our enemy tries to fool us into fighting against each other instead of  working together and fighting him. Satan wins if we fight with each other, then we take our attention off the real battle, the battle against the evil spiritual forces that are working to kill, steal and destroy everything that God created and loved, and that includes marriage and family.

God I choose to believe that you knew what you were doing when you created marriage, and that through marriage you might use it to teach me and change me into who you want me to be, and that ultimately you will use it to show the world your glory. Thank you God that you are full of grace and mercy.

God I need you to help me understand what submit means to you, and why you gave that responsibility to us wives. You know that my human nature fights this idea of submission, you know this will not be easy for me. Please give me your grace and mercy as I struggle with this. Help me to adopt the attitude of your Son Jesus, not my will but yours be done. Help me to act in accordance with your will even if I never fully understand the why. I place myself and our family in your hands God, I trust you. I believe that you have plans for us, to prosper not to harm, as your word says. Thank you God!!

* note: My marriage is healthy enough not to suffer with violence, or neglect, if you have to deal with these things, you need to seek the help of wise, godly counselors or friends, and maybe even the police. God put people in these positions of authority to help those who suffer at the expense of those who are not walking in His ways. Seek help from your pastor, or a trusted friend, or the police, don’t suffer, God didn’t intend for that for you. His plans for you and for me are to prosper us, not to harm us. He loves you, and He would want you out of a dangerous situation. Tell someone! Don’t sit there and suffer!